Sunday, 24 March 2013

MY ROAST OF RELIGION

Good day, you lovely chocolate covered turd nuggets! I know at least half of you probably hate me by now and have given up on me altogether, so for the remaining 3 of you reading this, I think it's time you all learned something more. I've been gone for so long because I've been busy being a productive member of society, and honestly I've been lazy. But put down your textbooks for a second and actually learn something about life: religion. Now I've been pretty open about this topic in the past, and I'm 20, so I'm not going to stop now. I have at least another 3 weeks of bitching left in me before this gets old. Religion and lackthereof has been around us for tens of thousands of years, and this debate is not going to be cut loose any time soon. However, that is not what today is about. If you came here with the expectation that I was going to denounce my religion and move in with Tom Cruise, you are very mistaken, so you can just click off right now.

First, a few updates from my life before we dive in to it. Not too long ago, world-reknown-award-winning comedienne Joan Rivers wrote a book called "I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me" and I've never read such a spectacle in all my life (sadly, this is the honest truth), which promted me to not only drown my sorrows in a jar of Nutella, but to also come back here. I have a voice, and no matter how many person(s) listen to it, I'm going to use it.

So Easter is coming around, and I don't know about you all, but I am fed up with the human population. I really do hate everyone, especially what people have turned Easter, or any other religious holiday, into. Disclaimer: no, I do not hate the holiday itself, for the original purpose of it and the practices all associated with it are very enlightening and have the potential to better yourself as a morally ethical human being. However, that being said, since this is planet Earth, and since I live in a city infested with miniature wanna-be Italian Snookis and Pauly Ds and their relatives, who have also managed to convert some Latinos, Blacks and Asians into wanna-be Italian Snookis and Pauly Ds (shame on you, Asians, I actually liked you better before. Now that you're introduced to hair gel, and now that blacks are introduced to tanning, I weep for the future...and just take a moment to let sink in black people wanting to tan), I am forced to put up with with Satan's wrong-doings, so pardon me for just a minute.

For starters, if you've already read how I felt about Christmas, this will be nothing new to you. Same crap, different toilet. I first want to talk about hypocrites, or the tourists of religion. Another disclaimer: I am not talking about atheists or people who actually take religion seriously. This is a whole other debate that is completely unnecessary. I actually have respect for BOTH parties...why? They can actually make up their minds and stand by what they think with evidence. But to you tourists: really? Who the hell are you? At Church recently, you get all of these politics put into practice with these inbred-hillbilly-Italian folks. I don't know who you think you are, but getting your imported Palm Sunday palms from Italy (yet again another facepalm), hoarding all of the other free palms for your 17th cousins you never see, blessed bread and good seats does not make you a good person. You think you're gaining respect? Everybody hates you! The way I see it, if you're only going to dedicate yourself to a religious service a handful of times a year, that's your business, because I am aware of many circumstances that prevent people from going frequently, but don't come inspecting and critiquing MY life and making yourself seem like God's greatest gift to humanity. We all know the answer to that is the inventor of chocolate.

Some Darwinians say that the Hottentot Venus was the most unevolved form of the human species but I think this takes the cake. You knew this was coming.

The next thing I want to address is "the flashers," aka: the people who try so hard to get themselves noticed (please see above). These are mainly the people who wear so many matching crosses around their necks and may even had them tattooed on themselves. These are also the same people who give ten thousand dollars in one religious ceremony and actually think they don't have a chance of being smitted by God because they think they've done their one good deed for life (these people may also have been getting intoxicated on salvia-laced joints, Jager and Grey Goose, and shooting up heroin in the back of an overly expensive limo with a bunch of self-conscious-step-daddy abused 17 year olds, when they evidently needed to go to their one mass a year the next day). I have a theory: the more religious jewelry someone wears indicates a higher level of swaying away from what they actually claim to practice. The people who actually wear the symbols of their religion are the first ones who don't know where their religion even comes from. Irony at its finest. Some of these people want to be the first to get their palms blessed by the priest, but may also be intravenous-drug-induced-prostitute-addicted-HIV-positive-Jersey-Shore-quoting-self-tanning-potential-alcoholics-anonymous patients. These people may also believe that a degree in cinema studies and/or geography will make them and their unfortunate offspring millionaires. I love hypocracy. To the people who portray this look but in actuality are kind, non-self invovled and religious, I clap for you...whoever you may be, because I've never met any of you in my life.

Lastly, I want to talk about the materialism associated with Easter and how this has sadly incorporated its way into the already flawed Canadian educational system. I remember when I was in elementary school, with the 95% of my class whom I loathed, that we had to colour in pictures of Easter eggs, Easter bunnies, Easter birds, Easter food, and then randomly a picture of Jesus with his hands in the air, smiling, raising the roof, with no look on his face whatsoever of him just being stabbed to death. I look back now and am able to partially answer the question as to why I am so emotionally crippled. Easter is not about bright colours, hanging around birds and bunnies and food and acting all happy and cheery, for this is merely the synopsis of a Courtney Love acid trip. Easter is about DEATH! ACCEPT IT! Learn about it early on! In fact, the Catholic School Board and a bunch of parents groups in Toronto had a shit fit when they found out some teachers actually wanted to show Mel Gibson's "The Passion of Christ," the actual bloody version, which realistically may be one of the most accurate video depictions of anything associated with Catholicism in history (due to the slightly more graphic nature of this film compared to the guido photo, I will not be posting a picture of it here. There's Google for that). God forbid we show these kids the truth, let's just let them grow up oblivious and scarred. When/If I have kids, as soon as he mentions the Easter Bunny or Santa Clause or anything else associated with this consumeristic scam of a holiday, I will be the first to say "It's all a lie! Don't believe what little Becky Johnson said, even if she did promise you a boobie rub!" I will raise my kids the RIGHT way, the "this world is going to suck so that's why I'm preparing you now to make it a better and more morally sound place" kind of way.

That is all for today. FYI: I mainly foccussed on Easter today because it is coming up, it's a statuatory holiday in Canada, and it's the one I have the most first hand experience with, I did not intentionally segregate anyone else. Just remember: you are free to practice any life you choose, for you are morally obligated to do so. However, part of that moral obligation is being committed to it and being able to handle any sort of criticism that comes your way. For those of you who know me, I have a very open mindset, especially for someone who is religious. I have seen first-hand what not being committed to any path of life has done to some people, and it is a scary sight to see, trust me. Just be who you are, and be damn good at it.

PEACE!!!

-LIBBY :)

Sunday, 9 December 2012

WHY COUPLES FIGHT AND BREAK UP

Wow, this blog has more cobwebs than the MySpace head office. Hello everyone, it's Libby again! So I've wanted to talk about this for a long time but never really knew how. But given the fact that I now have more academic education under my belt, and for the reason that my life is nothing like yours (what up, title reference?), I feel like I can shed some light on the matter. I feel like for your average Canadian 20 and a half year old, I have a lot of life experience already. Granted, I've had only one girlfriend in my lifetime (yes, I'm straight...shocking?), but with this and the combination of observing couples virtually every day, and learning about them and methods of communication at school, I feel that I can provide a refreshing perspective as to why couples break up.

For starters, you don't need to read dozens of self help books to make you or someone else a better person (so get Cosmo and Men's Health and Dr. Phil and throw them all in the fire), or to try and understand the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on what you prefer). This "Men from Mars, Women from Venus" garbage is utter bull. Not only for the obvious reason that it is physically irresponsible and impossible to live on these planets due to their relatively unliveable conditions, but rather there is just a simple misunderstanding many people don't get that prevents many couples from being happy.

For you single people like me in this world, just sit back and LOL at these losers making themselves unhappy. What I am about to say may change your life, and by constantly reminding yourself of this, you will achieve so much more in your relationship:

The key to a happy relationship is understanding, and acting on, the following: in general, men are conditioned by society into not giving a crap, whereas women are always conditioned to give a crap. This is a common mentality many people have going into a relationship, but in reality, it is generally false.

I realize this statement is very general and confusing, so let me explain. Let's start off with appearances, shall we? Your average heterosexual man is conditioned into not caring at all about his appearance, more specifically with obsessing over what people think about it. Men on average: we dress for getting a job done properly, that's it. As long as we can efficiently do what we have to do, it really doesn't matter to us if we match. For ladies, however, it's a whole other story. For some bizarre reason, some women need to match their eyeliner with their earings with their blouse with their pants with their shoes with their nails with their purse with their jacket with their bracelet with their skin...all the while I'm thinking: SHH!!! All to impress strangers in the world! Ladies, when a guy typically says something along the lines of "Meh" or "Whatever" or "It's nice, babe" when you're going clothes shopping and want his opinion on something, he really just wants you to shut up, because he thinks you're fine the way you are. HOWEVER, if ANY man or woman is constantly trying to determine your wardrobe, LEAVE THEM NOW! You don't want anyone comprimising your own style.  


There is also the concept of physique. I learned in my anthropology class that the amount of men who have bodies comparable to Taylor Lautner, and the amount of women that have bodies comparable to Megan Fox encompasses only 10% of the human population in North America (we're talking every day people, celebrities, adult entertainers, you name it). Yet these people are all we see on TV. On some level, each of us has been pressured by our significant other to look a certain way physically. However, leading back to my prophetic statement, guys don't go to the gym as much as women because we have more to fall back on (sorry!). Men have been given all our rights for tens of thousands of years: to vote, to be educated, to work, to be in a position of social, cultural, political and economic power. But women, in North America alone, have only achieved these equal rights within the last half century, so there's still a lot of work to do. Guys, all you have to do is be sensitive to the fact that women are shaped (literally) into being walking, talking billboards. The more sympathetic you are to them (because they know men have so much more to compensate for than a good body in order to be husband material), in the sense that their body isn't the one thing you focus on, you two will be a lot happier. Ladies, the same goes for you: you had your Barbies to tell you how to look, but we had G. I. Joe. Not all of us are big, tough, macho, and manly (exhibit A: me). Many of us do have emotions and such. In essence, the sooner your gender associated stereotypes break down in a relationship, the happier you will be.

The final example I have is how men and women talk. Men are conditioned NOT to use many exagerative words, like "completely" or "totally"; nor to create many shifts in our tone of voice; nor to give extensive answers to questions. WOMEN are conditioned to do these types of things. Little do people know that language encompasses identity. How men are conditioned to talk entails power; the way women are conditioned into talking emphasizes weakness. Ladies, if you're worried about your man not talking too much when he comes home, it's not that he doesn't care about YOU...it's that he just doesn't care. PERIOD. Typically, you need to let guys come to you when it comes to talking...we'll talk when we're ready. However, guys, we need to do a better job in understanding that women really do care about us. When they come across as nagging or bitchy, they do certain things because they love us. If everyone keeps in mind these things while having conversations, they will run smoother.

To my gay followers (if any), the reason why you were never adressed today was because many of you are happy and you've found someone who thinks and acts exactly like you. Speaking of which, this whole "opposites attract" concept doesn't work for everyone. Many people like to find their equals in a relationship, which is why you may hear women say "I wish I was a lesbian." Being TOO opposing to each other can cause problems. 

To leave you, recognizing, understanding and enacting my highlighted statement is a primary step to making you and your other happy. After a fight, ONE of you, it doesn't matter who, needs to take the time to understand what exactly is going on, because for a lot of fights in this world, it is commonly a misunderstanding. This may involve making suggestions yourself and further acting on them to fix this misunderstanding. Now I understand that I may have overgeneralized a bit. HOWEVER, the overgeneralizing (aka: the damage) has already been done. I am simply restating them, and am telling you ALL to just cut the nonsense out and understand that everyone communicates differently. Take the time to understand these things, because EVERYONE is different. Not all men communicate one way, and not all women communicate another way, which in essence summarizes why people break up: we often have these generalizations in our heads about how men and women should act, but at the start of your relationship, just have a more open mind to determine the differences in your partner. And don't call it quits so soon over a fight. There IS happiness there...you just need to work to get it (what a novel idea).

STAY HAPPY, ANGEL FACES!

PEACE!!!

-Libby  

Sunday, 18 November 2012

HOW "DRACO MALFOY" FROM "HARRY POTTER" SHOULD HAVE BEEN INTRODUCED

HELLO CITIZENS! I really hope life isn't beating the crap out of you! So for the longest time, I've contemplated what it would have been like if my two favourite movie franchises "Mean Girls" and "Harry Potter" colided, and sure enough, my life was complete when I discovered that there are memes dedicated soley to this. But I wanted to expand on this and make Draco's introduction to the series that much more awesome:

Ron: "In the name of all that is Merlin, will you look at Goyle's Slytherin uniform?"

Hermione: "Of course Malfoy and his friends would be in the same Quidditch lesson."

Harry: "Who are they?"

Ron: "They're wizard royalty. If Hogwarts was the Daily Prophet, they'd always be on the front page." 

Hermione: "That one right there, that's Goyle. He is one of the dumbest guys you will ever meet. Ron's brother Fred sat next to him in Defense Against the Dark Arts last year." 

Ron: "He asked him how to spell 'horcrux.'"

Hermione: "That little one, that's Crab."

Ron: "He's totally rich because his dad invented chocolate frogs."

Hermione: "Crab knows everybody's business, he knows everything about everyone."

Ron: "That's why his head is so big, it's full of secrets."

Hermione: "And evil takes a human form in Draco Malfoy. Now don't be fooled, he may seem like your typical selfish backstabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality he is so much more than that."

Ron: "He's the King-Bee, the star, those other 2 are just his little workers."

Hermione: "Draco Malfoy...how do I even begin to explain Draco Malfoy?"

Snape: "Draco Malfoy is flawless." 

Neville: "I hear he has a Nimbus 2000...and a 2001."

Cho Chang: "I hear his wand is ensured for 10 thousand galleons."

Moaning Myrtle: "I hear he does flying car commercials...in Japan!"

Cedric: "His favourite movie is anything with Viktor Krum." 

Sheamus: "One time, he met Floeur Delacour at Diagon Alley...and she told him he was handsome!"

Hermione: "One time, I punched him in the face...it was awesome!"

Beware of Slytherin!

I don't know if that's just me but I feel like this needed to be said. Anyways, have a good day everyone!

PEACE!!!

-Libby 

Sunday, 11 November 2012

THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT CHRISTMAS

GOOD DAY, BELOVED ELECTRIC ANGELIC ANGEL FACES! So I know I've been gone for a while, excuse me for having a life. Realistically, you will only see me present here when I have time, or when something is ticking me off. In this case, today it's both of them. So a lot of you are probably judging me right now based on the title of this, and a lot of you are probably on the edge of your seats (I don't know why) so I'll get to it.

For starters, I try my best to observe Roman Catholicism as much as possible. I basically am not preachy, for those of you who know me, you can attest to that. I'm not about shoving knowledge down peoples' throats because I'm about free choice when it comes to living your life, so long as it doesn't harm you or people close to you. That being said, forgive my heartlessness for just a bit, because this all needs to be said.

Unfortunately, Christmas is fast approaching, and there are several reasons as to why I dislike this holiday. I'm all about celebrating it religiously, like with close family, wanting to keep it simple, not wanting to be preoccupied with consumerism, and I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. There are just some things I hate about modern day Christmas and what people have done to give it an undeserved face lift.

I first dislike Christmas because it starts earlier and earlier every year. Working in retail, I can vouch for this. As the genius Lewis Black once said: "You Christians have created a monster that cannot be fed."...BIGGEST UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE 21ST CENTURY!!! Halloween didn't even pass this year yet and customers were already thinking about Christmas planning! I don't know who's brilliant idea it was to create Christmas planning in October this year, but they should just go in a hole, and shave their back now. And at my Christmas table, THEY CAN'T SIT WITH US! There is no reason to stress out over Christmas in October, unless you're a broke ass student like me who will need multiple weeks to pay off his credit card bills in the midst of battling mid terms and other job related/family issues. If you don't fit in any of these categories, and assuming you have no life, you have no excuse.

Secondly: atheists who celebrate Christmas...where do you people get off? By all means, believe what you believe, do what you do. No judgement. However, when you know Christmas is a religious holiday in nature, how are you going to sit up here and suddenly be Mr. Judgy VonHolierThanThou, and take Christmas and make it this consumeristic atrocity? I completely understand if there are some people who want to observe Christmas, or any other November/December religious holiday, to expand one's horizons. Sow your religious oats for all I care. However, for the other 364 days of the year, don't be bashing us about our beliefs, because if there's one thing I can't stand in this world is a hypocrite.

The third thing I hate about Christmas are the shoppers. Everyone knows someone like this who just deserves to stay home in a straight jacket: it's usually a woman (but sometimes men) who ask sales associates a million questions that require very simple common sense, and they end up buying nothing. Here are some examples:

-"What's the price on this?" Sorry, did you not see the price tag? For that, another 5 bucks.
-"Why don't you have this anymore?" Because corporate knew you were coming in so they discontinued it.
-"You know your stuff is so expensive?" No one is forcing you to shop here, so please leave and stop being such a grotsky little byotch.
-"Is this good?" No, it sucks, that's why we sell it.
-"What's the most expensive thing you have?" You know what they say about guys with big egos, right?
-"What's the least expensive thing you have?" I can tell you're putting so much thought into this gift...said no one ever!
-"My son is buying something for his teacher..." Whatever happened to macaroni and paste?
-"I need separate bags for everything." And the award for biggest destroyer of the Amazon goes to...
-"Can you keep this on hold for me for 3 weeks?" Honey, there's a little something else called 'the rest of the world' that needs to shop too.
-"Can you turn down the AC/heater in here?" Yes, just for you. It would be a privilege, even though you're leaving in 5 minutes.
-"Is gift wrapping extra?" Depends on how bitchy you are to me in the next 5 minutes.
-"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I'm so happy what's wrong with me isn't what's wrong with you. Boom, roasted.
-"Why can't you do your job?" Please, I dare you to stand behind this counter dealing with people like you every day. Get a life. You're not God. 

What baffles me the most: adults can buy a car, pay a mortgage, somewhat raise their kids, go to school, survive a business meeting, get to and from work, but the second they set foot in a retail establishment, all of their brain cells get shot out of their heads. Nevertheless, we will forgive your unnecessary stupidity, and if you avoid any of these confrontational lines to any sales associates, I can almost guarentee you, unless the associate is a straight up bitch, everyone in the store will be so happy to help you find what you need. It's a little thing called common courtesy: practice it.

The fourth thing I don't like about Christmas: Christmas carols. Here's the thing. In Canada, there are many quiet conversations and other policies being discussed about the ideas of public places not being able to put up Christmas trees, crucifixes, a manger scene, or getting rid of Christmas carols on the radio with "Jesus" or "Mary" or "Joseph," or anything else religious. Can we just pause for a second and analyze how utterly retarded this is? Who says we can't put a menorah up infront of city hall? Who says universities can't have a Kur'an on display infront of their libraries? Who says we can't make festive songs with "Allah" or "Abraham" in them playing on the radio? Nobody is stopping you from doing these things! People need to seriously shut up with this political correctness bullshit and to just accept the fact that North America is a multicultural diverse place, and if we want to put a manger scene on our lawns, we should do so without being criticized.

On the same topic of Christmas carols, they are utterly annoying and for a good part, unnecessary. Why? They project a false sense of reality, or one that is lived out for a very short period of time. There are some carols that are meant to be beautiful and deep, but any that involve a reindeer, a snowman, bells, decorations, or any other woodland creatures, and Hillary Duff, Justin Bieber or Mariah Carey making cheezy family remixes to them, you can keep them out of my house. I curse the day some of these Christmas carols were created:

-Frosty the Snowman gives little kids hope that decorating 3 balls of frozen snow will make them come to life and be their best friend.
-Santa Claus is Coming to Town gives little kids hope that Santa....you know what, it's too easy.
-Jingle Bells gives off the perception that prancing around like a fruitcake with bells on a sleigh isn't annoying, when really, it is.
-Deck the Halls taught me that Christmas decorations will make all your problems disappear...if they wanted to project that message, they should have written "Pass the Jack Daniels."
-The Twelve Days of Christmas taught me that your significant other shouldn't settle for less than giving you the world, and then some.
-Mr. Grinch: Dr. Seuess got that shit down right! 

This is just to name a few, and by now, if you want to call me a Scrooge, by all means do so, I really don't care. Somebody has to be one! Because somebody needs to give you all a bracing reality check about what Christmas really means. Forgive me for singling out Christmas as well, but the only reason I did it was because from personal experiences, this has become one of the most consumerist holidays in human history. To be frank, consumerism is awesome. There is no problem in prospering our economy and having a little fun, going crazy every now and then. However, so many North American families have forgotten what Christmas is really about.

It's not about lights, decorations, stuffing yourself like a fat bastard, drinking like Courtney Love, buying out half the mall, worrying about who's getting what or going where...it really should be about family, togetherness, closeness, preparing for the next year, staying on the right track, and trying to better yourself for the long run. As always, I don't want to purposely offend anyone. I just hope I made my point: think twice this year before you act.

As always, take care of yourselves!!!

PEACE!!!

-Libby

Saturday, 6 October 2012

WHAT (DISNEY) LOVE STORIES TAUGHT ME

It's time for some more literary magic from yours truly! So it's a well known fact that for those of you who grew up with a television and a VHS (if you don't know what this is, you're irrelevant to life), you've undoubtedly seen many love stories from the time you were children. Along with my anthropology classes, and my natural curiosity (not to the extent of Carly Rae Jepsen I may add), I have decided to rewatch several of these videos to determine what the fuss was all about. Here are my critiques as to why our generation is not all mentally stable when it comes to matters of the heart:

Snow White taught me that women really can be jealous bitches. If your step mother is planning on having you killed, over only your beauty mind you, God forbid you stand up to her, alert the authorities and have this bitch arrested. You have to run into the woods and depend on little woodland creatures to set up a home for you. I don't know what drugs the producers were taking while they created the illusion that people can communicate with bunnies, and deer, and birds and squirrels, but I now look back at this and I call myself a sucker for buying into this. But now I can rest happy years later determining the cause of why my pet bird couldn't understand me.

As if this wasn't enough, Snow White also taught me that 7 men will gladly let a strange woman stay in their house, rent free mind you, as long as she cooks and cleans for them, and gives them her pie. Satan's minions will surely be at work if this ever happens in real life. Oh wait, it's called the life of a pimp.

Snow White also taught me that when in doubt, let the retarded child take on the tasks no one wants to do. Not only that, but if we were living the life of Lord of the Flies, he'd probably be eaten first. Not only that, but there is no chance in hell this kid will get kissed on the lips.

Then there is Cinderella. I am making this disclaimer for the record that I have no sympathy for this dumb bitch at all. Why? Let me explain. Cinderella taught me that the only solution to your problems is to cry about them. What a novel idea if this beloved woman of Disney gets off her ass and tries to do something with her life. No, she's just going to stay in her tower and cry about her life. She has neglected to understand that this gives people permission to bully you around. I know, sad fact of life.

Cinderella also taught me that love can be established at first sight with the help of a glass slipper. Not only that, but did anyone notice how throughout the entire movie, the Prince didn't even ask for her name?! And yet they were destined to be married already? I may be paranoid, but this sounds fishy to me.

Cinderella also taught me that when it comes to actually solving your problems, you can only rely on a source from up above to fix them for you. Has this bitch never heard that faith without works is dead? People often forget the "works" part, which partly leads to religion being criticized, but Cinderella neglects to understand that you can hope and dream all you want, but unless you actually do something yourself, there will be no one willing to help you in life.

Beauty and the Beast taught me that it's perfectly ok to yell at your partner and abuse her out of love (possibly foreshadowing the Rihanna-Chris Brown love affair). Dude, we get it. You have issues. You're ugly. But so are a lot of people. But what this guy doesn't seem to understand is that if a sweet, gorgeous woman is going after someone hideous, the last thing you'd want to do is try to push her away.

Beauty and the Beast also taught me that let's say you are ugly. You can't settle for that. You have to go through any means necessary to get rid of distortions and body hair in order for you to believe that by doing so, you'll make your significant other happy. I'm just glad this isn't real life. Oh wait...

The Little Mermaid taught me that it's perfectly acceptable to have your very attractive daughter swim around all day in just a bikini without worry. Let's be realisitic: it's not like there are any psychos out there in real life filming half naked girls on the beach, right?

The Little Mermaid also taught me that parents have no clue what they're talking about and that you should just make your own decisions based on your limited time spent on this planet. All I can say is that if Arielle's parents weren't so white and progessive, she'd be getting the ass beating of a life time. And for my white people readers out there, this involves more than a time out and sending your kids to bed without dessert. This actually involves physical altercations so that kids will in fact learn their lessons.

Pocahontas taught me that a tribes woman's best friend will be a racoon. I mean Disney, hell will surely freeze over if indigenous people become civilized and establish relationships with other people, right? Because after all, that whole man walking on the moon thing was just a fluke, wasn't it?

Pocahontas also taught me that it only requires a strong white man to make great discoveries and conquests in this world. Let's get real: if that were the case, we wouldn't be around for very long. 




Above all, love stories (aside from Disney) also taught me that love isn't for ugly people (unless you're Shrek). Let's face it: have you ever seen a nerd or a hefty person keep the glasses, braces, regular clothes and the weight? All love stories I've seen require a makeover you'll just have to deal with. Don't believe me? Let's examine, shall we?

-When In Rome: Marny found love when she was no longer a nerd....and Danny DeVito wound up forever alone (are we surprised?).
-Princess Diaries: Mia found love when she wasn't socially retarded and looked like Braceface. Above all, this all happened when she was a Princess.
-Twilight: guys, unless you're tanned, sparkly, have muscles/abs, and can turn into a wearwolf on command to save an emotionless-dependent girl's useless butt, don't count on love.
-Grease: living proof that innocent girls don't have a chance at getting laid
-John Tucker Must Die: guys, unless you're a manwhore, you're not gonna score.
-Going the Distance: dude, we all know that you go where she goes...end of story
-50 First Dates, The Vow, Bad Teacher, and Charlie St. Cloud: they taught me that mental issues are very unattractive and that the sound partner should have the upper hand in the relationship and try to fix the other's condition to make him/her more socially desirable

See what I mean? Love stories are BULL!!! Many of them paint a very idealistic picture of what love and relationships are supposed to be. But what baffles me is that if we know that these are all made up stories, ladies AND gentlemen, why do we keep on aspiring to live them? Let this be a lesson to all of you: fairy tales and love stories ending up true is like wanting Honey Boo Boo to be normal: there may be a miniscule chance of it happening, but don't hold your breath for it.

PEACE!!!

-Libby 

Friday, 28 September 2012

BLOG RESPONSE TO JENNA MARBLES: "NICE GUYS DO NOT FINISH LAST"

Hello, everyone! Welcome to another exciting installment of your dose of me. About a month ago, the Internet goddess known as Jenna Mourey/Marbles created a video discussing why nice guys do not finish last. I must say, this is one of the most eye-opening videos I've ever seen her do. At first when I saw the title, I was completely hesitant to watch it, because I thought it may not be true, but then I thought that she may have a point...and surely she did.

Jenna first addresses that for us "nice guys," this phrase "nice guys finish last" is one of the most cliche and inaccurate phrases in the English language. She says that nice guys typically use this as sort of a crutch for why we may not see ourselves as moving forward in the world. She also says that "Nice guys aren't finishing last because they are finishing first in something." Mind blown.

Nice guys, and even nice girls for that matter, remember: if you live in a little something called the real world, you may have to put up with a little group of people called assholes on a daily basis. When you are, always think to yourself: thank God I am not like them. Yes, it may look like they have the money, the nice car, the nice house, the nice trophy partner, the nice everything. But just remember: they need all those things to compensate for something missing that they don't have that they're struggling to find, which may in turn make them act like an asshole. Remember: the reason why it may seem like we're finishing in last is because we may already have all that we need.

Now let's just focus on the relationship aspect of this cliche for a bit: it has been long since debated that the nicest guys are the lonliest guys. While there may be some validity to this, guys, just take a look at your former love interests, and I can easily vouch for this too: it is a guarentee that most of your love interests who you've had feelings for have had absolutely nothing in common with you.

Don't believe me? Ok. Let's just say there is this girl who you're interested in who seems like your soul mate. She has everything imagineable in common with you. However, she may go for someone who isn't a nice guy and wants to stay with him out of love. Think about this: do you really want to stay with her now, because she feels that she needs someone overpowering to compensate for her insecurities and self-esteem issues? Personally, that sounds like too much baggage for me, and I'd want to move on as soon as possible. Let him provide all the material things she wants in order for her to overlook her inner issues, and let him stay with her so it makes it look like to him he's actually wanted, and not his money. So because the two of them have giant insecurity issues, they are in fact made for each other, even if they express it in different ways.

Jenna addresses this in her video too: "Nice girls go after nice guys. Smart girls go after smart guys. Funny girls go after funny guys. Good looking girls go after good looking guys." Remember guys, and even girls, for that matter, if you see a future love interest go after someone better looking than you, by all means let them because you don't need anyone shallow like that in your life. Cut the umbilical cord and move on. In fact, if you're only going after this person because she is a Greek looking goddess sent from above, and you know for a fact that you have absolutely nothing in common with her, do not be surprised and don't beat yourself up if you know for a fact that the relationship won't work. And don't especially say to yourself "Oh well, nice guys finish last." Uh, no. You are in fact enabling yourself to conjure up the confidence necessary to move on with your life. You may also need to do some soul searching and reevaluate if you're as good a person as you thought you were, and also need to come to a final decision about who a possible mate can be.

If you don't believe me up until this point, just look at some of the most famous couples out there:

-Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres:


both lesbians, both sweet, both kind, both funny, both socially awkward; therefore, perfect match.

-Victoria and David Beckham:


both attractive, both talented, both good parents, both kind, both strong/determined; therefore, perfect match.

Isla Fischer and Sacha Baron Cohen:


both hilarious, both crazy, both innovative, both parents; therefore, perfect match.

-Rihanna and Chris Brown:


both seen as attractive, both mentally unstable (as proven by this picture), both "musicians," both insecure; therefore, perfect match.

...and last but not least: Jenna Marbles and MaxNoSleeves:


both attractive, both active, both animal lovers, both weird, both talented, both wise, both the most down-to-Earth people on this planet; therefore, perfect match.

Am I the only one seeing a pattern here? I love Jenna, I feel she's my everything, but for the record, I know that there isn't a shot in hell she'll get with me, because she, along with all the other females in this list, found someone who she has the most in common with. Guys, and girls, DO NOT use this cop-out that you finish last for being nice, when in reality, you're going after the wrong people, or you just haven't physically found the right person yet but they are still out there. Bottom line, don't use this phrase as a way to get out of trying your best to find the right person out there for you. Just hang in there, because you know deep down it will all work out the way it's supposed to.

PEACE!!!

-Libby

Thursday, 20 September 2012

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FEMALE CELEBS IN THE WORLD

GOOD DAY, ALL!!! I've wanted to discuss this for quite some time and I've finally battled through my laziness to do so. For those of you who know me, I am not shallow by any means. Today, I am going to talk about who I believe to be the most beautiful female celebrities in the world. When I define "beautiful," appearances are secondary. I've ranked these women in order of talent and whom I feel I can relate to in terms of being an overall good, genuine, kind, sincere person. By all means, feel free to disagree with me, for that's what makes the Internet and world (one in the same, I know) go round. Let the record show that this list will constitute as my "list." Meaning, ladies, if I am ever in a relationship with you, but the opportunity arises for me to go out with (either of) these women, I have a right to do so. Without further ado, let's get to it (the list, I mean, not sex):

10) Britney Spears: dancer/actress/singer/TV personality

Britney Spears was a pop culture icon in the 1990s and still is to this day. Her music and dancing are eargasmic because I feel on some level what she creates just makes the human population want to jump up and go balistic. There are not a lot of people who are able to do that. Not only this, but she has still been able to keep her head held high despite much of the bad press she's been receiving these past few years. For her 1000 watt smile, the "American girl next door" who brought us the legendary "Baby One More Time," and her overall energetic personality, Britney Spears is in my opinion the 10th most beautiful woman in the world.



9) Ellen DeGeneres: comedian/actress/TV personality/talk show host/activist

Ellen DeGeneres is truly one of the most heartwarming people on the planet, and to be honest, if she weren't a lesbian, she'd be higher up on the list. To be clear, I'm not against lesbians, but they aren't exactly interested in guys like me...or guys in general. Ellen has no problem having fun with her guests, and let's face it, she's a champ for getting Victoria Beckham to try on running shoes. She's in her 50s but looks like she's in her 40s. Not only that, but she is an ideal role model for anyone, living out the fact that even though yourself may be quirky, at least you're yourself. For her award winning smile/personality/talent, and ability to be one of the sweetest people on TV, Ellen takes a seat as the 9th most beautiful woman in the world.



8) Raven Symone: musician/actress
I can safely say Raven is the first black woman I ever saw on TV as a kid that made me laugh, aside from Jerry Springer's guests. In all seriousness, she is spunky, energetic, sarcastic and consistent. I loved her when I was a kid and I still do now. I am not ashamed to admit that in my free time, I watch "That's So Raven" re-runs on Youtube, and I know I'm not the only 20 year old who does that. Raven tries to teach everyone that no matter what problems you have, there's always hope. For being her loveable awkward self and a pioneer in Disney comedy, Raven clenches the number 8 spot of one of the most beautiful women in the world.



7) Emma Stone: actress

Next to Drew Barrymore, Emma Stone is the hottest female ginger in the world. She made her splash onto Hollywood with "Zombieland," then "Easy A," then with "The Help." In these movies, she played a character who was easily confused and angry, but was confident and had a good heart. With not even being 25, she has played all of her characters with so much wisdom and maturity. For her social awkwardness, achieving so much at a young age, and her being very hysterical, Emma Stone is the 7th most beautiful woman in the world. 




6) Hannah Hart: YouTube personality

If you don't know who Hannah Hart is, I have nothing to say to you. She is a goddess of the kitchen, except when she is under the influence of alcoholic beverages, which is often. She hosts Youtube's most popular run intoxicated female cooking show, proving that even drunk bastards can make delicious things too. Unfortunately, even though she isn't interested in men, I still think she's amazing. For being one of the punniest people on the plannet, her clumbsiness, and all-around talent for making sexual cullinary videos, Hannah Hart from "My Drunk Kitchen" is the 6th most beautiful woman in the world. 


5) Amanda Bynes: actress

If you've read my blog before, you know how much I'm inlove with this woman. She's mastered conquering more personalities and characters than Charlie Sheen's therapist, and has won a lot more. Along with Raven, I grew an attachment to her from when I was a kid first watching her on the Family channel, then on Nickolodeon right after watching "Hey Arnold." Judge me for not having a life later. Even though she's recently got into trouble with the law, Amanda Bynes has played a hillbilly, a judge, a Malibu valley girl, a stuck-up Jesus freak, a tomboy, a socially awkward freak with braces, a video store foreigner, a clumbsy waitress, and lastly, a man. How many women can say that in their lifetime? For her dynamic personalities, confidence, quirky charm, and finally the ability to gain some weight, Amanda Bynes clenches the spot as the 5th most beautiful woman on planet Earth.



4) Kaley Cuoco: actress

Starting off by playing a superficial stupid fridget bitch Bridget on 8 Simple Rules, Kaley then proceeded to play the less superficial, slightly more stupid but not as bitchy Penny on the Big Bang Theory several years later. And I can easily say: they could not have picked a more perfect girl. On several talk shows, Kaley has admitted to doing some very laughable things, like buying a shake weight. For being the only one to respond back to Sheldon's knock with a knock, for being your classic loveable blonde, for warming our hearts with her love of dogs and making us laugh by simply "not getting it," Kaley Cuoco is the 4th most beautiful woman in the world. 


3) Victoria Adams-Beckham: fashion designer/singer/actress/author (I know, at first I couldn't believe it either...she MAKES clothes, and doesn't just buy them)  
Victoria Adams and David Beckham, two of the most acclaimed beautiful celebrities on the planet have married and procreated 4 beautiful children, all I'm sure have amazing DNA. Victoria got her claim to fame as being Posh Spice from the Spice Girls, who admittedly, were my first musical group I ever listened to...then I turned 7 and decided I was too old for them. Nevertheless, to quote Snooki "The Spice Girls were the shit, and still are," which admittedly may be the smartest thing to come out of her mouth, next to realizing that Italy does infact look like a boot. Nevertheless, Victoria is one of the only women in the world to make Ellen wear highheels, to be able to survive a verbal beatdown by Ali G, and to be the only Spice Girl not able to sing, and yet again, not a lot of women can say that, and still have an amazing family with the body she has. Even though she's Posh, she's an amazing mother, incredibly sweet with lots of talent, which makes Victoria Beckham the 3rd most beautiful woman in the world. 



2) Jenna Mourey: blogger/entertainer/Youtube personality/proud owner of a silver unicorn and mexican kitty

Many if not all of you know about my obsession with this woman. It all started out one night, back in September of 2011, when I was really trying to avoid my school work. I had just finished watching Kingsley answering some questions on Youtube when I noticed a thumbnail of a beautiful blonde scoring 8 million views with the video entitled "White Girls in the Club." After laughing my lungs off, I decided to click on another video, then another, then another, until a legal obsession was created. Since then, I have idolized this woman and everything she stands for. Jenna is the most famous woman in all of Youtube, mainly for telling it like it is and providing very useful life lessons, all before the age of 26. For her love of animals, award winning rack, the inabbility to decide what hair colour she should keep, sense of hilarity, being a committed girlfriend, and not giving a damn of being socially awkward, Jenna Mourey "Marbles" is the 2nd most beautiful woman in the world.   



AND NOW FOR #1......





1) Lady GaGa: musician/designer/activist

Again, judge me all you want later. Let me explain first. NONE of these women have even been through even half of what this woman has gone through. Lady Gaga came into prominence in 2008 with her debut single "Just Dance," and already the public saw some potential. After a few more successful singles, she then released "Born This Way," one of the most successful and legendary songs in the history of music, because it was able to turn the deceased members of the Westboro Baptist Church over in their graves. With this single, Lady Gaga faced much controversy for the message it implied: being yourself is OK. Yes world, God forbid we all be ourselves and not conform to the ideal persona of society, for God will surely smite us, even though he created us. She is easily the most dedicated woman to her job among all of these women for working on her birthday among several other statuatory occasions. I hate to say, but for all that she's accomplished in a few short years, she blows all of these women out of the water. She is not afraid to assert confidence and independence, all through her music, while successfully created a population of "little monsters." Her career sky rocketed and still continues to do so. For always teaching that being yourself is what counts, her stellar voice, personality, and love of all living things, Lady Gaga is the most beautiful woman in the world!



Well, I hope you enjoyed my little countdown today! The message was pretty obvious: there are more than just the Kardashian sisters that are famous who can teach you "practical" life lessons. I absolutely adore all of these women and look up to them immensely, and while I do think they are stuningly gorgeous, they are beautiful on the inside too. Enjoy your life and take care of each other. 

PEACE!!!

-Libby